I Played Fate and Won
by Aya-dono
Summary: AU Postwar Harry and company are sent into the past of an alternate universe to help 'treat' their mental unbalances, where Voldemort never existed and they're free to meet the counterparts of the adults they knew! Slash, Snarry, 7th year
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Everyone better read this before you step into something you really wish you hadn't.

**Warnings**: CRACK, slash, OOC

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or any other merchandise/characters mentioned in this fic.

**PAIRINGS: **Snarry (SnapexHarry), JamesxLily, eventual SirisxRemus, ZacharaisxLuna, RonxDraco, MillicentxPansy, SeamusxBlaise…all I can think of at the top of my head.

NO FLAMES TOLERATED.

* * *

Eleven pairs of eyes stared back at the wizened Headmaster who was happily sucking away at his lemon drop. McGonagall blatantly ignored them all, drinking her tea that was most likely spiked. Flitwick was all twitchy while Sprout fidgeted nervously nearby; Slughorn was smiling unsurely at the young men and women in the office, a painful reminder of the deceased Potions Master.

"So you're going to send us back in time for some..._healing_?" Seamus Finnegan asked.

Dumbledore nodded cheerfully, "Yes, but not just back in time - but to an alternate reality! And this one's Voldemort free," he said cheerfully.

"But...but what if Harry leaves me for his_ real_ father! _My baby hates me_!" Ron Weasley cried, lunging on to said raven-haired boy.

"Ron, for the last bloody time, _I'm not leaving you! _Now kindly _remove _yourself!" Harry Potter snapped.

Ron nodded, sniffling, settling back into his own chair. Draco Malfoy absent-mindedly patted his boyfriend's back.

"And how long are we going to be there?" Seamus asked, before one of the others could start up.

"However long it takes," Dumbledore replied.

"_Forever_!" Blaise Zabini coughed discreetly. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled brightly.

"Hm...not many people can say they've finished school in an alternate universe..." Pansy Parkinson murmured.

Zacharais scowled, "Most people don't _have to_."

Ernie MacMillan sighed. "So we are going to be transported to an alternate reality's past - where there is no Dark Lord - to "heal". And not only that, we'll be going to school _with our parents, _or, at least, they're alternate selves," he clarified.

Dumbledore nodded with a carefree smile.

There was silence, before...

"We're in."

* * *

Albus Dumbledore, esteemed Headmaster of Hogwarts and Wizengamot member just received some interesting news; he was getting transfer students - from the future! Sure, it was more of an alternate universe, but not many Headmasters and Headmistresses could say they've had transfer students from an alternate universe! This sort of thing hasn't happened in over 3,000 years.

He hummed happily as he was seated in the Great Hall for dinner, waiting to present this splendid news. Once he felt sure that everyone was mostly through, he stood up, clapping twice to get the students' attention. Immediate silence fell and he smiled at his young dependents.

"Before we all depart, I have some wonderful news! Hogwarts is receiving eleven transfer students who shall be arriving sometime within the next three days. They will be finishing their schooling here in Hogwarts. Now, what makes these students a tad more different from regular transfers? They are students from the future."

Whispers broke out. Dumbledore raised a hand for silence, and continued on.

"They _are_ from a future - but the future of an alternate reality. Some of you are, in fact, their parents. However, in their universe, there were two wars: the First War during this generation and the Second War during their own generation. I would like you to consider that and choose your words carefully when amongst them." The twinkle in his eyes brightened at the nervous energy abounding.

He loved foreshadowing.

* * *

_End Prologue._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Everyone better read this before you step into something you really wish you hadn't.

**Warnings**: CRACK, slash, OOC

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or any other merchandise/characters mentioned in this fic.

**PAIRINGS: **Snarry (SnapexHarry), JamesxLily, eventual SirisxRemus, ZacharaisxLuna, RonxDraco, MillicentxPansy, SeamusxBlaise…all I can think of at the top of my head.

NO FLAMES TOLERATED.

* * *

"What a loser," James Potter said, grinning.

Severus Snape, petrified and gagged, would have liked nothing better than to rip the other youth's organs out. The Slytherin's robes were off and thrown to the side, along with his wand. His stained and loose pants were ripped to shreds by magic yet still covered his lower half in its strips. His shirt had been magicked neon pink with a gold _'I'll Bend Over'_ glittering on his back, as he was lying on his stomach. His head was turned to the side so he could glare at the other man, but that was all.

"C'mon, Prongs, lets go! We'll hear about his discovery at dinner!" James's best friend, one Sirius Black, added cheerfully. Peter Pettigrew was next to the blue-eyed bachelor, head tilted to the side and smiling at their work. Remus was frowning at them yet made no move to either aide Snape or reprimand them.

As the quartet walked off, Snape's boiling rage was simmering down to blatant shame and humiliation; shame since he couldn't prevent this and humiliation at being found like this. He would never live this down. He wanted to wither and die right there...

"Severus?"

If he wasn't petrified, Snape probably would have started. As it was, from his position, all he could see was the shadow over him as a person knelt beside him, in his blind spot. Male, if the voice was anything to go by - but the voice was unrecognizable. How did they know who he was?

"What's up, Harry?" another voice asked, and Severus could make out more footsteps.

"I found Severus. Obviously one of the Marauder's...pranks," the first voice sighed. Snape felt a hand press gently into his backside before his magical restrictions fell away. He bolted upright, knocking the boy's hand away as he did so.

Snape stared straight into emerald eyes.

A boy was kneeling next to him, shorter by half a head compared to Snape and thinner. He didn't look at all surprised by Snape's sudden movements or lack of thanks. In fact, the other male just looked amused; a soft smile was on his lips as dark humor glittered in those eyes. At first, Snape had thought they resembled Lily's eyes - but even though the color matched, they missed the girl's innate warmth. The boy's eyes were sharp and clear but not as expressive as his childhood friend's.

"Found your robe!" said the voice from before. It belonged to a redheaded male. He was both taller and more fit than Snape, and despite having well-toned muscles he moved with a predator's grace. He didn't walk with the arrogant stride of James Potter, or even the haughty steps of any Slytherin; he was fluid and careful about his steps. This - more than anything - made Snape aware that he was in the company of two possibly dangerous individuals.

It was then Snape realized his once-shredded pants were now fully restored - stainless and fit! His once charmed shirt was now whole and completely black, save the silver snake coiled around his turtleneck-like collar.

The raven-haired boy smiled. "Handsome men shouldn't wear such horrid clothing," he said with a wink. He stood before Snape could reply, glancing over at his red-haired friend and giving him a small nod. The redhead handed Snape his robe - and just like the rest of his clothing, it appeared new - before falling into step with the dark-haired teen as the pair moved away.

"Hopefully we'll see you later, Severus," the black-haired boy called back, turning his head just to to give the Slytherin a smile.

Severus didn't think he was imagining the feral undertone to it.

* * *

"What the hell took you two so long?" Terry snarled, glaring at his two friends as they entered the room they had all been required to wait in. Ron merely rolled his eyes in response while Harry breezed past the irate Ravenclaw in order to fret to himself in the corner of the room. Terry, loathe to be ignored, pelted a small knick-knack (stolen from Dumbledore's office) at the black-haired teen - which was absent-mindedly dodged.

"Do you think I was too confident? What if he thinks I'm a conceited prat (again)?" Harry asked, turning to Ron with wide, teary eyes. Ron looked ready to turn into a puddle of goo. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, before Ron squealed and squashed Harry in a hug.

"You are PERFECT!" the red head declared.

Harry gave the blond Slytherin nearby a woebegone look, prompting Draco to rip them apart. The dark-haired teen took in big, gulping breaths, silently praising the blond as an angel.

"We're going to have to work on this paternal dependency issue for Harry of your's," Draco said, giving Ron a level glare as Pansy laughed her head off at Harry's plight.

Terry glared at the Slytherin, then at the Gryffindor, then grabbed a book (which was sitting harmlessly on the desk next to him) and threw it at Luna - missing by mere centimeters. Zacharais tackled the Ravenclaw to the ground in a fit of overprotective rage. Luna was staring off into the distance, not even noticing her boyfriend and friend rolling around on the ground _clawing _at each other.

Ernie attempted to pull them apart but was rewarded with a punch to the gut for his efforts, and was soon joining the rolling mass of violence. Blaise jumped in, grinning widely, before being pulled back out by an exasperated Seamus.

Harry was off in the corner, murmuring to himself something along the lines of "Oh gawd, Sev hates me!" and "He looked so damn hot in those clothes..." while Pansy and Millicent attempted to comfort him. Ron had been knocked unconscious in a last ditch effort to stop him from smothering Harry and Draco was sitting down next to him, studying his nails solemnly.

And this was the scene Dumbledore and McGonagall were..._fortunate _enough to walk in on.

"...Oh, hello Headmaster," Draco regarded the man boredly, not even looking at Ron as he '_ennervated'_ his boyfriend back to consciousness. Everyone quieted down, the two Hufflepuffs and one Ravenclaw pulling apart and staring at the wizard with bleeding and bruised faces and arms. Millicent wordlessly healed their injuries with the unperturbed air of someone used to such antics.

"Well, let's get you all introduced to your new Housemates!" Dumbledore started jovially.

* * *

The Great Hall hushed as Dumbledore stood, smiling at them all. "Now, as I'm sure you're all hungry," he glanced at Peter, who had been gnawing on his fork, causing the boy to blush and put the utensil down (eliciting chuckles from the other three Marauders), "I'll let Professor McGonagall introduce our newest students," he said, the twinkle in his eyes brightening as everyone started whispering.

McGonagall stood off to the side, coughing to gain everyone's attention. She opened the scroll she held, looking out over the Great Hall. "To clear up any misunderstandings, I will also be reading who the parents of the students are, as the Headmaster deemed it fit," she said. More murmuring, which silenced as she glared. "As they have already been Sorted in their home dimension, there was no need to re-Sort them - thus they will be placed in the Houses they attended while in their orginal universe."

She looked down at her list. "Son of Nigelius Boot and Samantha Wells, Terry Boot - Ravenclaw."

Applause from the Ravenclaw table, and a blush from the blond-haired Ravenclaw girl. Nigelius, of Hufflepuff, smiled widely at her.

Terry walked on stage, mentally reminding himself that he had been threatened with dire consequences should he act out and that _no, _beating's someone's face in was not allowed. He sat himself at the end of the Ravenclaw table, looking down at his plate as he grinded his teeth, trying his best not to jump up and stab someone in the eye for staring at him.

Ravenclaws, too busy with their noses buried in their books to be violent? _Hah._

Completely unaware of the thoughts of the volatile young man she had sent to sit at the Ravenclaw table, Minerva McGonagall continued:

"Daughter of Derrick Bulstrode and Alicia Fellington, Millicent Bulstrode - Slytherin."

Applause from the Slytherin table, and a proud smirk from Derrick. (Alicia was a French witch currently attending Beauxbatons - she is a childhood friend of Derrick and his current girlfriend.)

Millicent walked out, glaring at every table for good measure taking a seat at the Slytherin table with her head held high as she looked her classmates over. Derrick gave an approving glance to his future daughter.

"Son of Kinion Finnegan and Cordelia Hemming, Seamus Finnegan - Gryffindor."

Rowdy applause from the Gryffindor table and a big smile on Cordelia's face. She knew Kinion - a muggle teen who lived in her neighborhood who had given her flowers the last time she'd come home from school.

Seamus walked out, glancing at someone where the student body could not see, motioning for whomever it was to _'stay there'_. He allowed a smile on his face as he approached his table. Seamus sat himself at the end, grinning at his fellow Gryffindors as they looked ready to pounce on him.

"Daughter of Xenophilius Lovegood and Fayre Heldon, Luna Lovegood - Ravenclaw."

Applause from the Ravenclaw table, and a smile on Ravenclaw Xenophilius and a pretty blush on Ravenclaw Fayre. Luna walked out, looking - as usual - completely spacey, and made her way to her designated table. Unintentionally, she ignored her fellow Ravenclaws as she stared into the distance, not even noticing when Terry moved to sit down next to her, on the side furthest from their classmates.

"Son of Vance MacMillan and Hazelle Sorrentine, Ernie MacMillan - Hufflepuff."

Vance shared grins with his fellow Hufflepuffs as they applauded, whispering about his French girlfriend to answer his friends. (Hazelle attends Beauxbatons, they met through family and were quite smitten with each other since they were little.)

Ernie walked out, silently wondering when he was allowed to wear skirts again. His old classmates didn't mind, his friends didn't mind, and Terry didn't mind - so it should be fine here, too, right? He sat down absentmindedly at the Hufflepuff table, smiling warmly at his Ravenclaw boyfriend.

"Son of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black, Draco Malfoy - Slytherin."

Applause from the Slytherin table, as Narcissa and Lucius smirked proudly. Millicent decided to keep quiet about the fact that their son was dating a Weasley - for now.

"Oh god, he's a bloody carbon copy!" Sirius muttered as Draco walked walked out, smirking. The blond sat down across from Millicent, sharing amused (and, truthfully, unbearably smug) smirks.

"Daughter of Adair Parkinson and Saffron Pearle, Pansy Parkinson - Slytherin."

More applause from the Slytherin table, a few snorts from the Gryffindors, and a conspirational smirk shared by Lucius and Adair. Maybe they could get their kids engaged? Little did they know of Draco rolling his eyes as he spotted them. Oh, they had tried_ that_ before, but Draco and Pansy broke it off - one, they saw each other as siblings rather than lovers, and two, they were both homosexual.

Pansy walked out, nose in the air. She smirked at Draco and winked at Millicent as she sat down next to her girlfriend.

"Son of James Potter and Lily Evans, Harry Potter - Gryffindor."

* * *

_End Chapter One._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: Everyone better read this before you step into something you really wish you hadn't.

**Warnings**: CRACK, slash, OOC

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or any other merchandise/characters mentioned in this fic.

**PAIRINGS: **Snarry (SnapexHarry), JamesxLily, eventual SirisxRemus, ZacharaisxLuna, RonxDraco, MillicentxPansy, SeamusxBlaise

NO FLAMES TOLERATED.

* * *

It was actually rather funny how shaky McGonagall's voice sounded as she glanced, worriedly, at James.

The Gryffindor table was cheering like they had just won the House Cup, although the Marauders were loudest of all. Lily was blushing heavily and was awarded with many pats on the back from her classmates. There were groans from the Slytherin table, and Noelle Zabini patted Severus on the back comfortingly, as the young man had paled. Most of the Slytherins (as Draco, Pansy, and Millicent seemed inappropriately amused at the Gryffindor table's reactions) were sneering in disgust.

It took three minutes for everyone to realize that no one had walked out. The Great Hall was silent, waiting expectantly. McGonagall glanced back, confused. Then...

"_No!_ They can't have him, _I'M _his father!"

"Dammit, Ron, let him go! You're holding us up!"

"No! They'll take my baby and _corrupt_ him!"

"_He's not your son, you're the same goddamn age_!"

"Wait - I thought Harry was already corrupt?"

"Don't talk bad about my Harry!"

"Can he even breathe when you're holding him like that?"

"Aw, Harry, you're so cute when your struggling to breathe~"

"NOOO! HARRY!"

"Oh, he can breathe again! Welcome back to the world, love."

"Blaise, I think you're enjoying this a little too much..."

"Harry, don't go!"

"Let go of me, Ron!"

Blaise poked his head out. "Oi! Draco! A little help here?"

Draco sighed deploringly. "Oh, for the love of..." he muttered, standing up. He stalked over to the hidden room.

"Ronald Weasley, let go of Potter this instant!" he yelled at those hidden in the room.

"But _Draaaaacoooo_! What if our baby gets hurt!"

Draco actually sputtered, causing Millicent and Pansy to burst out laughing.

"How in the world would he be your kid? Red and blond doesn't make black..."

"Does that mean you're the mother, Draco?"

Draco snarled, grabbing someone and ripping them violently away from whoever they were being held by. Harry stumbled, before being pulled closer to the blonde's chest. Draco glared at his hidden boyfriend.

"You are in the same damn House and you'll sit at the samedamntable. I'm sure Harry is fully capable of taking care of himself for the three minutes you'll be apart!" he growled. He must have received a nod, as he balanced the Gryffindor - gently, shocking many - and stalked off the dais, completely and utterly ignoring everyone's shocked look. Harry quickly moved off the dais, avoiding everyone's eyes as he made his way to the Gryffindor table.

Harry sighed as he seated himself across from Seamus. "He promised not to do that, too!" he complained to his friend.

Seamus chuckled. "Great show, mate. Wonderful first impression!"

Harry glowered at him, purposely avoiding looking at the Marauders seated a few seats away.

McGonagall coughed, reigning in everyone's attention once again.

"Ignoring that mild disturbance," She gave the hidden area a chiding glare, "Let's continue. Son of Phillip Smith and Kendra Ross, Zacharais Smith-Hufflepuff."

Timid applause from the Hufflepuffs, as everyone was none-too-sure about the balanced minds of the new students now. Ravenclaw Kendra smiled gently at her boyfriend, Ravenclaw Phillip.

Zacharais walked out, looking utterly bored. He wore black slacks and a black shirt with buckles, a caramel-colored robe, open, over it. He seated himself across from Ernie, giving his occasionally-cross-dressing friend a smirk.

"Son of graduates Arthur and Molly Weasley, Ronald Weasley-Gryffindor."

Applause from Gryffindor table as they watched, like vultures, as the surely-unstable red head walked out. Ron wore his outfit from before, only with a black robe, open, over it.

Ron sat down next to Harry, immediately hugging the raven haired boy. "Oh, Harry, we've been apart for too long!" he cried. Harry, used to this already, as was Seamus, didn't even comment. "Geez, sometimes you guys make me wonder what you do when Harry takes a shower." the Irish man joked.

"Distract him, shut him out, then place several complex locking charms on the door." Harry replied instantly.

It was awkwardly silent as McGonagall continued.

"And last, son of Noelle Zabini and Chastity Rendell, Blaise Zabini-Slytherin."

Applause from the Slytherin table, and a smirk from Noelle. (Chastity was tutored at home, and they had been engaged ever since they were eight.)

Blaise walked out, wearing black pants and a cream colored shirt with a low cut, a dark green robe, open, over it. He winked at Seamus as he went to his House table, causing the Gryffindor to blush and grin back. Shocked looks transpired between the three future parents, and Blaise smirked cockily as he sat down next to Draco.

McGonagall rolled up the scroll, exiting to put the scroll away. Once she returned to her seat, Dumbledore rose once again. "Welcome to Hogwarts, those of you from 1997! May you make new friends in this new age! Now, tuck in!" he said jovially, smiling, eyes twinkling. Food appeared, and conversation sprung to life immediately.

* * *

"Wow, he looks just like James!"

"He's definitely a Weasley! Lookit the hair!"

"He has your nose and chin, Cordelia!"

"Green eyes! Lily's eyes!"

"Do you think he's another prankster?"

"He's the son of a Marauder; of COURSE he's another prankster!"

"I guess this means we're not getting the House Cup. Goodbye, dear points..."

Seamus hummed cheerfully, silently wondering why they talked _about _them and not _to_ them. He glanced across from him to see Ron talking to Harry, who was uncomfortable (even though he hid it well), and listening to Ron avidly if only to have something else to focus on besides their new peers' stares and whispers.

Ron was casually putting food on Harry's plate, cutting them up and measuring them accordingly, yet looking right at Harry as he did so. _I see Harry's eating disorder is getting a bit better..._ Seamus noted, glancing at the hero's plate, which held marginally more food than it did at the beginning of the year. Out of Harry's friends, only Ron really knew what to do when concerning Harry's issues.

_Well, him and Hermione. But Hermione... _Seamus shook himself from the depressing train of thought. After all, no use crying over spilt milk. (A term he learned from Justin, the good little muggleborn friend he was...)

He turned to the person next to him, and his polite question of "Please pass the liver yogurt..." died in his throat as he stared into the face of his third year DADA professor. Of course he was much younger, but...

"P-Professor Lupin!"

Remus turned to stare at the new Gryffindor boy next to him. The Marauders had subtly shifted down the table to get a better look at Prongs' son, along with Lily and her friends. They had just reached their destination when the Irish boy turned to him.

"Professor? You're a professor, Moony?" Sirius Black asked, grinning, mirth in his pale blue eyes. James sat next to Ron, with Peter next to James, and Sirius next to Remus, and Lily sat next to Peter.

Remus was aware that Ron stopped talking, yet was still blocking James' offspring from view from any of the Marauders. Remus smiled warmly at Seamus Finnegan.

"I don't know about Professor, but my name IS Remus Lupin," he said. Seamus only blinked, looking mildly surprised. Then...

"Hell, you're bloody HOT!"

There was silence.

"Seamus, stop hitting on him! You're with Blaise!" Ron snapped.

Seamus only grinned, "I'm in love, Ron, not _blind_."

Harry snorted. "Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts when Blaise gets wind of this..." he muttered. The grin fell of Seamus' face as he turned to stare, horrified, at Harry.

"You wouldn't!" he gasped. Harry raised an eyebrow at him as he absently nibbled on a potato.

Seamus deflated. "We will never speak of this again," he murmured.

Ron snickered, "You are so _whipped_."

Harry turned to stare at Ron. "I thought only you and Draco did bondage?" he asked, innocently oblivious. Ron blushed the color of his hair as Seamus doubled-over laughing. Ron did a wonderful fish impression as Seamus tried to reign in his laughter.

"I can't believe I just learned the details of my son's friends' sordid sex lives," Lily muttered, looking for all the world traumatized.

Sirius was frowning. "Draco...as in Draco Malfoy?" he asked the red head.

Seamus answered instead, grinning wickedly. "Oh yeah, they were a real shocker. Can you imagine the look on Ron's mother's face when he brought a Malfoy home for Yule?" he laughed.

Sirius's lips twitched upwards before he gave in to his laughter. "Lucy's future son - a fairy! Oh, it doesn't get any better!" he chortled.

Seamus raised an eyebrow, amusement clear on his face. "You do realize that _you_ are also a 'fairy'? And with Prof- Lupin, as well?" Seamus asked. Sirius stopped laughing, staring at the Irish man, gaping with a slight pink tinge to his cheeks as Remus blushed to his roots.

Seamus smirked. "You traumatized Harry, you know. He was _lucky_ enough to walk in on you two going at it. Can you imagine walking in on your godfather and ex-professor shagging? Not that you weren't hot, mind you, but you _were _parental figures..." Seamus trailed off with a wistful sigh.

James turned to give his friends a level glare. "Traumatizing my son?" he asked. Sirius laughed weakly and Remus looked down at his half-eaten plate of food.

Sirius turned to Seamus (as he was the only one out of the new transfers responding). "Godfather? _Me_!" he asked excitedly, grin wide. Seamus nodded, matching his grin.

"I HAVE A GODSON!" he cheered happily, eliciting laughter from the Gryffindors. James shook his head at his best friend's antics, favoring to get a look at his offspring. As Weasley was busy reprimanding Seamus for reminding Harry of his sex traumatization, he didn't notice James leaning over to get a look.

Harry sat picking at his food in disinterest, trying to tune out his future godfather's cheer. He didn't think he could face the presently young man without being harshly reminded of the difference between his happy youthful face and the haunted eyes of the ex-convict.

And the Veil.

Then Remus. He still remembered, fresh in his mind, the image of the werewolf missing his left leg and his eyes gouged out, with many thin, small silver spears piercing his torso. His corpse had been a taunt from the Death Eaters.

Then his parents...and Wormtail...

He didn't have his appetite. Ron finally noticed James and none-too-gently shoved him back upright before turning to Harry. "Mate, eat everything on your plate. You didn't eat breakfast or lunch today," Ron scolded. Harry sighed, resignedly poking at his food and mentally comparing his best friend to Mrs. Weasley - apparently there was something to be said for biology.

"Aw, Ron, go easy on him! Look, he already ate an ENTIRE potato and some of his liver yogurt!" Seamus said, smiling encouragingly at Harry.

Ron frowned, "Fine. Finish off your chicken and drink all of your pumpkin juice! And you have to eat_ at least_ one dessert," the redhead ordered efficiently. Harry nodded, poking at the roasted carrot.

Lily frowned in confusion. "Do...do you have an eating problem, Harry?" she asked uncertainly.

Harry ducked his head, so Ron took this as his cue. "Harry has a kind of eating disorder. He practically lived off nutrient potions during the war. We're trying to get him to eat his basic three meals a day," he explained before noticing the Marauders' and Lily's concerned looks. "Oh, but we got a strict diet fit out for him, so don't worry. He's getting better!" he added.

"Unlike someone we all know."

The Gryffindors whipped around to see Blaise walking towards them, a smirk on his lips. "What do you want, Zabini?" Sirius hissed.

Blaise merely raised an eyebrow at him. "Charming godfather you have, Harry. Just think if you had let the Hat have its way and wound up in Slytherin..." he said, trailing off and enjoying the looks of shock on their faces.

"Blaise!" Ron snapped.

Blaise pouted. "So very sorry, Ronniekins. I just wished to knock some reality into our dear classmates' heads," he drawled.

"Yeah, but you're not sleeping in the same room as them," Seamus muttered.

Blaise chuckled. "If it makes you feel any better, Draco is confessing his undying love for Gryffindor Weasley over here, being obnoxiously loud about it. It was quite sickening," he recounted, as he casually settled himself into Seamus' lap.

"You were almost a Slytherin!" James goggled. Harry nodded mutely.

Blaise snickered, "And it gets better! He's a parselmouth!" he added, smirking up at his boyfriend when the Irish boy lightly hit him on the head. Harry, if possible, ducked down lower. As the Marauders had yet to make a noise, Lily knocked James harshly in the noggin as she smiled at Harry.

"Nothing's wrong with being a Slytherin or a parselmouth. Severus is a Slytherin and he's a perfectly good man," she said. James started making mock-gagging noises as Sirius muttered "Yeah, if you don't mind evil, oily blokes..." under his breath.

Harry perked up considerably with mention of Severus, and the two Gryffindors and one Slytherin groaned. Remus looked at them questioningly. "Well, look at it this way - at least _we_ won't have to deal with his Snape-based obsession. Now Evans here can bear the rambling," Blaise pointed out.

"Obsession?" Peter asked.

Seamus nodded, grinning at the Marauders. "You see, Harry here is gay - and in love with Severus Snape." Seamus laughed at the horrified/shocked faces of those around him. Ron sighed as Harry was lost off in his own Snape-y world.

"Yeah, and to think Sev was our Potions professor," Blaise added with a waggle of his eyebrows. James spluttered angrily as the Marauders turned the most interesting shades of red.

"P-Professor! Harry, a PROFESSOR!" Lily screeched. Harry blinked out of his daydream, cocking his head at his future mother.

"I was legal," was all he said - and Sirius thunked his head down and started sobbing.

"Oh, so this _is_ where they send all the loonies! Good to know," Zacharais muttered from the Hufflepuff table. Ron shot him a mock-scolding glare. Suddenly, James stood up, glaring all the way across the Hall at the Slytherin table, or more precisely, at Severus Snape.

* * *

_End Chapter Two._


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: And this story is updated. Hurrah! Thank you for your gracious reviews, I felt very loved!

Disclaimer: I do not own HP or any other merchandise mentioned below.

Warnings: Slash, femslash, OOC, implied character deaths, semi-crack! (or mostly, depends), all-around weirdness….

Pairings: Snarry (SnapeHarry), RonDraco, SeamusBlaise, TerryErnie, ZacharaisLuna, MillicentPansy, SiriusRemus, JamesLily, maybe others but no one cares…

Chapter Four

"Now, James, think about this before you--" Remus started, in a vain attempt to calm the unruly-haired youth down, but James ignored the werewolf in favor of taking out his wand and jumping on top of the table. "SNAPE!!!" he yelled, and silence descended upon the Hall as all eyes turned towards him. Harry was staring up at his future father in shock, not quite comprehending just what the HELL was going on.

"One wrong move and Harry gets shiskabob for a father." Draco growled, knife in one hand and wand in the other. "_Someone_ has a godfather-complex." Millicent muttered in disinterest. She grinned down the table at the annoyed-looking Severus. "Oi! Snape! Tell us when you and Harry decide to elope!" she called. She earned equal amounts of sputtering from both her peer and the irate youths at the Gryffindor table.

"My godson is NOT eloping with HIM!!!" Sirius yelled, also standing atop the table.

"Really, everyone, there's nothing to get so riled up about..." Harry started, making placating gestures. "I don't think Severus has any interest in me--" he cut off and turned away with a muttered 'yet', before resuming, "--so please don't start fighting." he said, smiling warmly.

"Or he'll be forced to KILL YOU." Blaise muttered in an undertone.

Those of his universe shuddered, yet Harry ignored them, still smiling angelically.

"He--He's a pedophile in the making!" James snapped, sparks shooting from his wand. Across the Great Hall, Snape's expression turned to that of realization, then horror at said realization. Lily's attempts at calming James down went unnoticed by all, and Remus and Peter had already given up on trying to stop their two friends.

Harry's eyes had narrowed dangerously.

"Is it just me, or has the room temperature dropped?" Pansy wondered aloud, looking up into the ceiling as if it would give her the answer.

"James Potter is going to die if he doesn't stop soon." Draco commented, eyes on Harry, looking very smug. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Draco?" Millicent teased. "How could you? Without James Potter, there'd be no more Harry! We need more Harry!" she gasped melodramatically.

"What, are you planning to mass-produce him?" Terry asked, leaning over from the Ravenclaw table.

"We could take over the world." Luna murmured dreamily.

Meanwhile, Harry was taking deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. Finally, he turned teary eyes towards Ron. Seamus and Blaise flinched simultaneously--they knew exactly what the black-haired teenager was planning. _Sadistic little tosser. _they thought, both also having been victims of this particular tactic.

"Ron." Harry started, sounding pitiful. The red-head's attention was immediately on him. "Make them stop. _Please._"

And that was when the true horror of Ronald Weasley's mental issue was made known.

HOWMUCHISTHATDOGGYINTHEWINDOW

Everyone stared after the three retreating figures in horrified awe, even after the Great Hall's doors swung closed, cutting off the screams. The only one particularly unaffected was one Harry Potter, who was sipping from his goblet of pumpkin juice rather cheerfully. Seamus was eyeing his friend and comrade-in-arms with wary bemusement.

"You're the devil." he finally announced. Harry chuckled.

"...What was that about?" Noelle Zabini murmured. "Ron's obsessive." Draco answered matter-of-factly, staring at the doors with obvious affection. Across from him, Pansy made subtle gagging noises at his lovestruck expression, which he completely ignored.

"Are they going to die?" Peter asked fearfully. "Hm? No, we promised the Headmaster we wouldn't kill anybody. If nothing else, Ron will just have a little...'talk' with them." Blaise answered, shuddering slightly. Seamus patted his back in comfort, though he looked just as traumatized. Across from them, Harry was humming merrily as he poured himself more pumpkin juice.

"Is this a common occurrence where you're from?" Remus inquired.

"No. We learned better." Zacharais replied indifferently.

"Harry's scary." Ernie added.

"That is completely uncalled for." Harry retorted, actually looking hurt. The others weren't buying it. The boy played his emotions like the Pied Piper did his instrument: careful, fluent, and eventually leading to someone's misery. Sometimes, Seamus would reflect, he wondered how the hero of the supposed Light turned into a sadist. A different sort of sadist when compared to Voldemort, but a sadist nonetheless.

"Now it's going to take forever to seduce Severus since he knows what I'm doing..." Harry muttered to himself, looking dejected. "Ah, so you _did_ plan to seduce him." Blaise commented. "Fast mover, isn't he?" Seamus mused.

"And now it's going to take even longer to get to the _good stuff_." Harry continued, looking sulky, ignoring the two.

"I feel like I shouldn't be hearing this." Lily noted calmly. Beside her, Remus 'hummed in agreement. Peter's brain appeared to have frozen at 'seduce' and the rat animagus sat stock-still, growing paler.

At the Slytherin table, those of Harry's universe had used the shock of their peers to be able to poke fun at Severus, who was steadily growing more indignant at each comment and jibe.

"I mean, come on, Sev, you'd clearly be on top! And isn't Harry gorgeous? You can't tell me you wouldn't shag him."

"I--" Severus started to retort to Draco's claim, but was cut off by Pansy.

"And besides, isn't the danger a little intoxicating? And the drama! Dating your enemy's alternate-future-son, who's the leader of the Light army in his own world... You know that's a major turn-on."

"It--"

"And he's a notoriously good kisser." Millicent added.

"Wha--"

"Are you serious, Milli?

Draco smirked, nodding to Pansy's inquiry. "We had to snog during a game of truth or dare in Barrack Seven. One of the best snogs of my life."

Pansy sniffed. "Oh, please. Who else have you snogged but _Ron_? Not much you can compare to." she pointed out. Draco rolled his eyes. "I don't want to hear that from a girl who's only gotten it from other _girls_."

"You only get it from blokes!"

And thus the three derailed into a completely irrelevant topic, leaving poor Severus hanging and in inner turmoil.

"Just give up, Severus. You don't want to end up like Black and Potter, do you?" Noelle murmured, clapping the lankier boy on the shoulder. "I refuse to kiss Potter's son's arse, Zabini." Severus growled lowly. Noelle nodded in understanding. "Just...you know, don't start picking fights with him. I get this feeling of over-protectiveness where Potter's brat is concerned." Noelle whispered. Their three future-peers had not heard a word exchanged, being too engrossed in their own conversation.

"Terry, I'm tired!" Ernie whined loudly. The volatile Raven gazed at his partner consolingly, and Zacharias just snorted. "I feel tired as well. Perhaps the Snorkacks are eating away my energy...?" Luna trailed off in subdued wonder. Zacharais' eyes immediately snapped to his girlfriend, concern radiating from them.

"Dear god, the lot of you are so lovey-dovey it's making me ill." Blaise complained from where he was still seated in his own boyfriend's lap. "It may surprise you, but a relationship is based off more than just sex, Blaise." Zacharais snapped. Blaise grinned. "You're just saying that because you can't deliver." the dark boy sneered, and immediately Zacharais launched from his seat towards the other.

"Blaise, stop picking fights!"

"Zacharias, sit down this instant!"

Both Seamus and Pansy yelled, the former launching over the table with his boyfriend still cradled in his arms for protection. Zacharais snarled, crouched in the place where the Irish boy had been sitting, glaring at the maniacally grinning Slytherin.

"Looks like its time to retire for the night, eh, Luna?" Harry sighed, earning only a dreamy nod from the Ravenclaw girl.

THEONEWITHTHEWAGGLYTAIL

When Remus and the other Gryffindors had returned to their Common room, they were met by the sight of a pair of pensive-looking Marauders, who sat near the fireplace, gazing into its fiery depths as if it held life's answers. Needless to say, Remus and Lily were quite worried for them.

"Erm, are you two feeling alright?" Remus prodded gently. He received two affirmative grunts. Peter looked horrified. "Oh no! Weasley must have eaten their souls!" the chubby boy exclaimed in mounting horror. "Weasley is not a dementor, Peter." Lily pointed out consolingly.

"Then he wiped their minds blank!"

"I don't think so..." Remus muttered dryly.

"Besides, there would have to be something there to wipe." a passing Gryffindor fourth year pointed out with a smug smirk.

"...He's our newest prank victim." Sirius finally announced, eyes trailing after the sardonic fourth year. James nodded, grinning. "Well, that was a short-lived experience of introspection for about...three minutes, I daresay." Remus said, glancing at his wrist as if checking a watch. Peter clapped. "A record!"

The other half of the Marauders did not look amused.

"Shouldn't you be taking pity on us? Do you have any idea what that maniac did to us?" James demanded, before shuddering. "I'm never going to recover." Sirius mumbled, curling into the fetal position. "Oh, poor babies." Lily mock-cooed, before rolling her eyes with a grin.

"Lils, it's not a joke! It was terrible...so horrible I can't even begin to describe it...hold me!" James shouted, launching himself into the girl's unsuspecting arms. The couple fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs, indignant squawks, and muffled laughter.

"Well, once you've recovered enough to screw your heads on right, I suggest getting some sleep. First day of classes with the new additions tomorrow." Remus advised, already heading up the staircase. "And I think we'll need the energy."

MARYHADALITTLELAMBLITTLELAMB

Entering the dorm room marked for the Gryffindor seventh years, Remus was slightly surprised to find only Harry inside. Harry gave him a small smile, quickly pulling on his nightshirt, covering the myriad of scars running along his torso. "Seamus escorted Blaise to the Slytherin Commons, and Ron escorted Draco. Of course, that was awhile ago, and it surely doesn't take that long to go down to the dungeons and back...I suppose they all took a detour..." Harry explained, before trailing off in a smirk at the blush now covering Remus' face.

"Are you going to bed?" Remus asked politely. Harry nodded distractedly, lying experimentally on his bed. "It's rather trying, dealing with the Dumbledore of my dimension. He likes to play around." Harry said, sounding strained.

"How...I hope James and Sirius didn't upset you. They're a little hotheaded, but they mean well." Remus apologized. He always wondered how he ended up being the one to apologize for his friends' tactlessness, but he supposed it was just another fact of his life. Harry just made a small humming noise, and Remus noticed his eyes had closed.

Remus' gaze lingered on the scarred teen, before he turned towards his bed to change.

WHOSEFLEECEWASASWHITEASSNOW

Peter had stirred awake, and he wasn't quite sure why. It was in the middle of the night, he was sure, and everyone looked to be fast asleep. He could hear Sirius snoring, along with James and Remus' quiet breathing. He blinked, realizing that he heard barely a thing from the other beds. Had they set up silencing wards? He supposed they might have, but that just seemed too paranoid to him.

He sat up in bed quietly, unable to shake the feeling of something awkward in the night air. His gaze looked over all the beds. One...two...three…four...five. There were only five people in bed, excluding Peter himself. The Gryffindor was distinctly uncomfortable when he realized Harry Potter was the one missing from his bed. But where...?

It was then he noticed the figure by the window. The window itself was set low to the floor, in its own small alcove, giving the sight of Hogwarts' lake and grounds. But that wasn't what had caught Peter's attention; it was the slim outline of a boy seated next to the glass frame, leaning against the wall with his knees drawn to his chest.

"H-Harry? Are you okay?" Peter squeaked. There was silence in the air, and for a moment Peter believed the green-eyed boy had fallen asleep sitting there, but then green eyes turned towards him with unnatural intensity.

"Go back to sleep, Peter."

Then the eyes turned back to gaze out the window.

Peter fought down the shiver that had suddenly swept down his spine, shimmying back under his sheets and closing his eyes.

ANDEVERYWHERETHATMARYWENT

Breakfast that morning found the seventh years notably lacking their newest arrivals; in fact, no one had caught sight of any off the future-students ever since last night. This left many people paranoid, and the Marauders were eerily silent as the morning meal continued in restless uncertainty.

Eventually, students began to trickle into their first classes, and the seventh year students of the NEWT-level Charms class were unsurprised to find their alternate-children already seated in class, spread out evenly among the seats.

Each wearing a maniacal grin (sans Harry).

Joseph Turpin attempted to turn around and walk out, but his fellow housemate Stephen Mueller dragged him back and forcefully shoved him into a seat. Sirius plonked himself down next to Seamus, who turned to him with a wide, vaguely delirious grin. Peter somehow ended up next to Harry, who had his head down on the desk and was not moving except to breathe.

"...Do I even want to know?" Noelle asked, raising an eyebrow at his alternate-son.

Blaise smiled at him, the glint in his eyes devilish.

"No. No you don't."

"Everyone, pay attention now!" Professor Flitwick tittered from the front, and most turned their eyes toward the diminutive man. Ron, a row behind Harry, was folding his parchment into a neat, tiny little box-shape, before unfolding it, only to re-fold it again and start the whole cycle anew. His blue eyes seemed to be glowing with both his obsessiveness and frustration for not being close enough to his 'son'.

Diagonally, Draco was sending what looked to be a flock of galleon-sized origami cranes at Ron's head, a bored expression on his face, as Severus stared at the table-high pile of paper-birds next to the blonde.

"What's wrong with Harry?" Sirius asked, glancing at the unresponsive youth.

"What isn't wrong with him?" was Ernie's cheerful reply.

Seamus shrugged, looking dazed. "He's...resting." A sluggish grin. "Evil never sleeps, you know." Sirius blinked dumbly at the out-of-it blond, before waving a hand in front of the boy's face. "I'm starting to think the lights are on but nobody's home." he muttered. Seamus shot him a mulish glare.

"Blaise shot drugs into him when Seamus attempted to shag him in the corridor." Millicent explained sharply. Blaise's smirk grew, as Seamus looked to be falling asleep. "This is why you should be nice to your boyfriends. Or else we pump you full of chemicals." Ernie said sagely, face straight.

"I'll try to remember that..." Sirius murmured weakly.

"But you guys will _stop_." Millicent stressed, glaring. "Don't you remember the last time you shot a drug variation into Seamus?" she demanded of the vaguely-smirking Blaise.

"Vividly." he purred.

"He grew bunny ears, Blaise! _Bunny ears_! And the side-effects wouldn't go away for weeks! We had to keep buying him carrots, and keep him on a leash so he wouldn't try to jump off the Quidditch goals again!" she ranted.

"What kind of potion does _that_?" James breathed from behind them, looking awed.

"_One which will never see the light of day again_!" Millicent all but screamed.

"Miss Bulstrode! Do you have something to share with the class?" Professor Flitwick snapped from the front.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do: DON'T DO DRUGS!" she exclaimed, gifting her classmates with a malevolent look.

In the row next to her's, Harry Potter lifted his head and pinned the girl with a green-eyed glare cold enough to freeze Hell. Hurriedly, Millicent sat back down (she had stood up at some point in her tirade), looking anywhere but at the black-haired teen. Then, with a dull _thump!, _Harry rested his head on the desk once again.

"So...what were you saying about camouflage charms, Professor?" Remus prompted smoothly.

END Chapter Four

End note: And I curse my inability to establish line breaks. Does anybody have an idea of how to do it? I'm really quite depressed to be running out of idea and using children's nursery rhymes.

Please review, and wait in anticipation for the next update! Let your minds tremble with _need_ for it! Let your—okay, I'm done. (grins)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Huh….I think this fic is going from semi-crackish to three-fourths crackish. Or maybe just _complete_ crack. Haha! Oh well, it makes it all the easier to write. Sorry for the long wait, but my will to write humor/crack withered for awhile, but now it's back! And thank you to all you reviewers, and everyone that helped with line breaks. Now I don't feel quite so stupid! (I still feel stupid, just not as much as before! XD)

**Warnings:** Various levels of crackishness (which is now a word, darnit!), slash, femslash, major OOC, all-around weirdness, kinda stalker!Harry too, now… XD

**Pairings:** (Past and Eventual) Snarry, (Past and Eventual) SiriusRemus, JamesLily, DracoRon, ZacharaisLuna, MillicentPansy, SeamusBlaise, TerryErnie... That should be it.

**Now on to the story!**

* * *

Severus was really starting to hate the newest Malfoy.

The blonde young man was conceited, snarky, and made it his business to be in Severus' business. In fact, his opinion of Draco Malfoy seemed to be most of the Slytherins' opinions of the boy. Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode did not interact much with their peers, usually slinking off with the Lovegood girl in tow. Blaise Zabini ignored them all, spending his own time attached to Finnegan at the waist.

Draco Malfoy, on the other hand, was like that one garden gnome that not only bites you, but escapes as well.

"Isn't this fascinating? Severus is reading a book!" Draco exclaimed, his back curling over the spine of the couch, his head pillowed against the cushions, facing Severus at an angle where he could gift the other boy with a taunting smirk. "And--I don't believe it!--it's a _dark arts_ book! Really trying to revive that poor cliché, aren't you, Severus?"

Severus' wand hand twitched, and he glared at the blond with mounting irritation. The prat was almost as bad as Potter and Black! Draco's smirk sharpened, and his eyes gleamed with that unsettling intensity of someone who knew no restraints, no boundaries. Severus closed his book, attempting to ignore Draco, well aware the majority of the Common Room was watching them (discreetly, of course; they didn't gawk like those insipid Gryffindors).

Draco straightened back up, and Severus was inwardly amazed someone could be so versatile and flexible--then his mind drifted to _how_ Draco could have gotten so flexible, which likely involved a certain crazed Weasley, and Severus cut his train of thought off there.

"Really, Draco, leave the poor man alone. Can't you see you've pulled that last nerve?" Millicent spoke up from her curled position in the armchair near the fireplace, a smirk curving her own lips. It must have been one of those rare occasions where the girl gifted her housemates with her presence, though it seemed a bit strange to see her alone; Severus figured this was the first time he had seen her without Pansy around to desecrate their common room furniture together. He didn't think he'd ever get the image of the two snogging passionately out of his mind. A grimace twisted his features as his skin crawled; and people said _men_ were indecent horny bastards.

Draco tossed his head arrogantly in response to the girl's bemused comment. "I am _bored_, Millicent. We already know all the material being taught, the professors are dull, and our peers are second-rate trolls with wands and absolutely no character depth!"

Millicent looked highly amused at the quickly-spreading look of indignation gracing her so-called "depthless" peers. "Why don't you go play with your boyfriend--" she easily ignored Lucius' subtle cringe--"before you start a riot? I won't know how to explain to Harry that you were lynched by your own House."

Draco actually pouted. "He would probably think it's funny."

Millicent hummed noncommittally. "Probably."

* * *

Harry looked particularly gleeful today.

Remus had learned, very early on, that a gleeful Harry Potter was nobody's friend. In fact, a gleeful Harry Potter was _everybody's worst fear_. He felt himself shudder, but quickly averted his face as Harry's gaze swiveled to him, green eyes shining amusement. Remus wasn't at all ashamed; his shoes were really quite interesting. _Really_.

"Remus, do you happen to know where Sirius is?" Harry asked, all benign innocence. Remus moved his gaze up to stare at Harry's chin determinedly. "He went with James to help plan Quidditch try-outs. Will you be trying out, Harry?" he asked politely. It was always best to tread carefully around the other boy, if what Seamus had told him was true.

Apparently James' future-alternate son was a force to be reckoned with; friends and foes alike trembled in fear when Harry's attention was turned to them. Seamus once told him of a horrifying incident involving gross amounts of peanut butter and a water balloon, filled with some unspeakable potion that had turned the other wizard's face sheet-white at the mere recollection. Remus didn't get much detail, but apparently Seamus had "confused the comfortable looking leather couch for a suitable place to sit, only to find out it was Sev's and Harry's 'special spot."

Needless to say, Seamus began to think the floor was a wonderful place to sit when occupying the same barracks as the other boy.

And as if the mere thought of the Irish boy had summoned him, the blond-haired maniac violently crashed through the opening of the portrait hole, barely managing to right himself as he practically skidded to Harry's side. Grabbing the other boy by the shoulders and showcasing a frightening grin, his eyes gleamed in fanatical joy.

"_This is my moment of glory_."

Then he rushed back out, and Harry turned his head to raise an inquisitive eyebrow at Blaise, who stood smirking after his departed boyfriend in undisguised mirth. "He thinks he's found the spell that will finally turn water into rum." the Slytherin boy clarified, before exiting from the Gryffindor Common room much more gracefully than his over-enthusiastic lover.

There was a momentary pause, before one of the prefects threw open the portrait door.

"Finnegan! Stop giving your boyfriend the password!"

Harry threw back his head and _laughed_.

* * *

Ernie twirled experimentally, before a triumphant grin bloomed on his face as the flowing skirt swished around his lithe frame. Terry nodded approvingly from where he was stretched out on the couch, looking sincerely happy to see his boyfriend in a skirt again. Zacharais tilted his head to the side as his eyes scanned his friend's attire, before giving his own nod of approval, as his girlfriend sat next to him, ignoring all three boys and reading.

"Dark blue is a very good color on you, Ernie." Zacharais commented. And no, he was not gay; he was just really, _really_ bent.

"I want to beep you so beeping beep right beeping now." Terry added on blithely.

Let it never be said that he was withdrawn.

Ernie smiled cutely at the (slightly perverse?) praise, doing another twirl before throwing himself onto Terry's lap. "I've been meaning to wear a skirt these past few days, but Harry was in a foul mood the first day and I couldn't really get one until now. Thanks, by the way, Luna." he cut off, earning a slight nod from the girl who had yet to look up.

"We'll need to buy you some girl school uniforms if you want to go to class." Zacharais noted, before a small smirk appeared on his face. "But that shouldn't be a problem. The Headmaster set us all up with a vault, so we're well-off, money-wise." he grinned lecherously at this point, sliding an arm casually around Luna's shoulders.

"Touch me in a perverted fashion and you'll find yourself missing the necessary parts to function as a man." Luna said lightly, eyes still glued to her book.

Zacharais' arm receded back to his side as he gifted his girlfriend with a petulant look.

* * *

"So, future son-of-mine! You're going to tryout for Quidditch, right?" James asked, flopping down on the seat next to Harry, who had been peacefully reading an ominous-looking little black book. Snapping the tome shut, Harry turned to James with a vaguely amused expression, in contrast to Ron, who had returned shortly after being liberated from Pansy (who had kidnapped him earlier for reasons she vaguely explained having to do with "firewhiskey" and "house elves", at which point no one dared to listen anymore) by Draco. The redhead visibly flinched at James' nickname for the scarred teen, and only Draco's iron hold kept Ron from tackling the unruly-haired Gryffindor captain to the floor.

"I'm not sure yet. I don't think Severus likes Quidditch players much." _No thanks to you. _hung clearly in the air, despite the complacent smile adorning Harry's face. Remus shifted closer to the portrait hole, attempting to become one with the wall.

"Who cares about Sniv--er, Snape?" James quickly corrected himself, seeing Harry's gaze narrow. "Really, Harry, I can think of plenty of...blokes...for you to date that are way better than him. Or, at the very least, less greasy." James added, as if to make up for the lack of insult.

"I'll kill you." Harry threatened brightly. "I will."

James backed off, sensing the danger. Remus had already high-tailed it out of there, and only Draco seemed at home in the homicidal atmosphere. Ron was clearly becoming more upset as Harry's mood worsened, and was struggling fruitlessly to free himself from the rope Draco had tied him up with.

"You're...er, really good a tying, Draco." Lily commented, hoping to come up with something to say to the blond, for the sake of a change in conversation (you know, before her alternate-future son killed her boyfriend). Draco merely gave her a very enigmatic smile as Sirius coughed something that sounded suspiciously like "Lots of practice!"

"I suppose Ron keeps you on your toes." Lily struggled.

Harry's innocent gaze turned to them, as if he hadn't been issuing death threats to the boy beside him. "Actually, I think Ron prefers Draco on his knees--"

"MMPH BMMP MGHF GHRK DHUG RRMPH!!" Ron thrashed around wildly, cutting off what was likely to be another naively-delivered perverse comment from the scarred teen. Draco had a very ingratiating smirk on his face, even as he delivered a sharp slap to the back of his boyfriend's head. "Oh stop whining, you big baby. Harry used to have midnight romps with older men--you really think we know something he doesn't?"

Sirius and James did admirable jobs in controlling their flinches, but Ron kept wriggling violently, shaking his head side to side as if in denial. Lily looked at a loss--there were more? Who the--

"Now that's not fair, Draco. After I got with Severus, I was completely monogamous." Harry retorted, a sullen pout on his lips.

Draco's smirk widened. "But what about the pre-Severus times? I've always wondered-- who was a better lay, George or Kingsley? Or perhaps Charlie? Who else was there...Oliver Wood, I believe, and even Neville..."

Harry's pout turned dreamy. "Neville was good. He let me top, unlike all the others. Severus never let me top _once_."

Draco nodded, frowning minutely. "That's why I resorted to tying Ron up; he never used to let me top either." Here, he patted Ron's head with a smug smirk. "But that's not a problem anymore, now is it, love?"

Ron was weeping silently into the cushion of the couch.

"That reminds me, where did Moony slink off to?" Sirius jumped in, clearly disturbed by the rather...active...sex life of his alternate-future godson. Harry and Draco halted their conversation to stare at him with matching expressions of curiosity, distracting Lily from a rant she had building up in her throat on what an overactive sex life led to. James blinked.

"What part of that conversation reminded you of Moony, Padfoot?" the bespectacled teen asked.

There was a pause, before a vivid blush erupted onto Sirius' face. "Weird, I don't remember any bondage when I watched them at it." Harry murmured to himself. All heads swiveled in his direction immediately, faces set in shock.

Draco grinned. "Just how many times have you watched?"

Harry smiled brightly. "It was a very...busy...Yule holiday. But who cares about that? I have pictures!" he proclaimed cheerfully. As one, the two jumped up and sped upstairs to the boys' dormitories, leaving a distraught Ron with overworked tear ducts behind, to lie like a limp, forsaken noodle upon the red and gold backdrop.

James sighed tiredly, rubbing his temples. He wasn't the most responsible and (let's face it) moral guys out there, but even he was not cut out for this. He really didn't want to know why Harry carried around pictures of his godparents doing certain things not suited for the public eye. I mean, even Sirius wouldn't--

"Sirius, where are you going?" Lily questioned darkly.

Sirius' progress towards the staircase halted, and the handsome youth turned around to give the three a nervous smile. "Well, you see, I--I--I just want to see what Moony looks like when he's older, okay?!" the dog animagus burst, turning tail and dashing up the stairs.

* * *

Dinner was a strangely quiet affair, at least where the Marauders sat. James was avoiding looking at Sirius, who was avoiding looking at Remus, who was avoiding looking at Harry, who was staring avidly across the Hall at Severus. Peter and Ron were, predictably, stuffing their faces, the former oblivious to the awkwardness in the air and the latter ignoring it.

"Ernie had Millicent transfigure him some stilettos, and now he's wearing a slinky violet dress that shows his bare back." Blaise said, amusement coloring his voice, in contrast with the gloomy figure of Seamus who had his face down on the table. His depressive aura was enough to create a several inch wide gap between him and those around him (sans Blaise, who remained unaffected). It was obvious his latest experiment had failed, and the would-be alcoholic had remained entrenched in his melancholy for a good portion of the night.

"MacMillan has a very nice figure." Lily offered weakly. Blaise nodded, humming in agreement. "And nice legs." he added. Several males along the table cast him looks--as if questioning if he was indeed a man, for _real men_ did not talk about the legs of others like a bunch of twittering _females_--and then Blaise pulled out a very large syringe filled with a murky green liquid, and the looks disappeared as suddenly as Snape's favorite trousers had. (Of course, no one but Snape, the culprit, and the recipient of said trousers knew they were missing, but that was neither here nor there.)

"Best put that away before Bulstrode the Female notices." James grouched. Blaise shrugged indifferently, shrinking and stuffing the item back into the untold depths of his schoolbag. "Millicent is just being whiny because I accidentally jabbed Pansy with one. She will never let it go." the boy sulked.

"Accidentally? You stabbed that syringe into her with ill intent!" Ron interjected accusingly.

Blaise shrugged. "Well, Pansy should have known better than to grope Seamus, who _clearly_ belongs to me--"

"She tripped and landed on him by _accident_!"

"Well, she shouldn't be so clumsy!"

"That's no reason to have turned her _genderless_!"

James raised an eyebrow and cast a look over at said girl. Must have been temporary, for the girl was quite clearly a woman-- a voluptuous one, at that.

Harry rolled his eyes with a longsuffering expression. "Oi, you two, calm down. That's in the past already." Much to the boy's chagrin, they continued to argue, not heeding his mild command. That was not a very wise choice, on their part.

"Pansy was in overdrive anyway! I was tired of returning after a long battle to find them _at it_ everywhere I looked--"

"Like you can talk! You and Seamus could have given them a run for their money--"

Harry's hand smacked down on the table loudly, and his emerald eyes held an unholy light.

"_Calm_. _Down_."

It seems even the overly-paternal Weasley could be overcome with fear by the threat that is Harry Potter.

* * *

"I think your boyfriend and your best friend are about to be killed by the little Potter." Derrick Bulstrode commented dryly. Draco glanced up from where he was currently smirking evilly at Severus (for some unknown reason, but Severus was sure the blond prat was somehow connected to his missing trousers), turning his grey eyes to the sight across the Hall.

The young Malfoy shrugged, disinterest written all over his face. "No, Harry is always threatening to kill people; Blaise and Ron aren't stupid enough to pick on Severus, so they'll live." he replied. Why this was considered normal behavior for a (unknown to others) saviour, the others knew not. Lucius raised an eyebrow.

"So anyone against Severus will be killed?"

Draco shrugged, Millicent ignored him, and Pansy gave a negligent wave of her hand.

Lucius twitched. What kind of answer was that?

"Obviously not, or James Potter would already be dead. Unless family is excused..." Noel Zabini noted.

Draco snorted. "I bet Harry's already plotting ways to kill him at night, if only so he has an excuse to spend time with Severus." The blonde smirked as the sallow-skinned boy twitched. "Ah, look, he's done scolding them and back to staring at you, Severus. Aren't you glad your little fanboy is so _dedicated_?" Fanboy, stalker, same thing...

Pansy clung to Millicent's arm, giving the taller girl a pout. "Millie, do you think Ernie's sexier than me? He looks too good in a dress!" the girl whined. Millicent smiled at her comfortingly. "My tastes run to a crowd with an actual rack, love; and that is one thing Ernie definitely doesn't have." Here, a sexy little smirk crawled on to her lips. "But something you have plenty of..."

"Oh, _Millie_!" Cue girlish, lovesick giggle.

"Hey, you two, not at the dinner table!" Adair and Derrick jumped in, as Narcissa proceeded to choke on her liver yogurt.

* * *

Late that night, as the rest of his housemates slumbered on obliviously, Harry grinned victoriously as he cuddled a worn pair of trousers.

* * *

**THEENDOFTHECHAPTERMYDARLINGS**

A/N: Please review, for there is much gratitude! It gives me the will to continue!

On a sidenote, a stalkerish, obsessive Harry is fun to write about. And I know some of you are itching for a scene with actual interaction between the lovely Sev and Harry, and it's coming…once Severus stops running away…YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FOREVER!


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